Think of engagement as occurring on a continuum. None of us are fully engaged in what we are doing all of the time. We daydream. We zone out. Tune out. Check out. It happens everyday to everyone. It is a choice that we make without conscious awareness most of the time.
Often we like to think that the more interested we are in something or the more entertained we are by someone, the more engaged we become. We tend to put the responsibility for our level of engagement in the hands of others – where it doesn’t belong.
Personal Engagement
Think of times in your life when you feel fully engaged. You may be reminded of times when you are doing something you really enjoy with someone you really love or feel attracted to in one way or another. It might be during times when your thinking and creativity are stimulated or times when you are presented with something new that has value and meaning for you.
But what about those times, when it’s the same old same old…the person who shares too many details or the one who repeats boring stories over and over again? Isn’t it their fault that you aren’t engaged? Nope! And, it isn’t about fault anyways…
Or consider for a moment what happens to your ability and desire to be engaged when you are tired, for example. Maybe, you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Perhaps, you are preoccupied and worried about something. Or maybe, you haven’t eaten all day and all you can think about is where your next meal is coming from. When we experience any of these states and many others, our ability to engage in what is actually in front of us is challenged. To restore a sense of engagement would require us to attend to what is happening inside, that is of course, assuming we are even aware of it.
Roadblocks to Engagement
As much as we may enjoy people and have a genuine desire to connect with others, staying engaged on a continuous level is challenging. So much goes on in our human interactions. They’re talking, we’re responding, something else is happening in the other room, our thoughts are taking over while we listen and on and on…
Now add to the mix a preoccupation with a worry or fear we are having. Consider the possibility that the other person starts saying things we don’t like – things that challenge our personal beliefs. And maybe, this individual may also be recounting a personal experience that is traumatic and difficult to hear. Most of us simply check out in these scenarios whether we are even aware of it or not.
The Power of Engagement in Helping Others
One of the most dangerous risks in any helping profession occurs when a sense of disillusionment sets in. Most people I know came to their careers with a genuine desire to help – to contribute –to make a difference in the world. And many of these same people – myself included – go through a time in their lives when this shifts to a desire to simply get through the day. Where is the evidence that anything really makes a difference? How do I know that anything I do is even helpful to another person? How am I supposed to respond to the needs that people have these days? It’s too much! I’m only one person! I don’t know what to do! Helplessness. Hopelessness.
Sometimes, you may find yourself swinging from one end of the continuum to the other – moving out of a place of engagement.
Enmeshment
One extreme leads to a feeling of enmeshment – you get so wrapped up in what is happening with another person that you start to feel like you are absorbing their energy and taking it on as your own. Don’t get me wrong, you may absorb the energy of others, but when you are engaged, you know what belongs to you and what doesn’t.
Enmeshment is a trap that leaves us feeling like we need to solve problems that don’t belong to us and come up with answers that only another holds. And when something wonderful happens for the other person, we take on that victory as our own instead of focusing on our victories while we acknowledge any role we may have played in helping others.
In an enmeshed place, it is common to feel tired, worn out, sad, and potentially victimized. We think that what goes wrong is our fault. Conscious Service cannot emerge from this confused place.
Estrangement
The other end of the spectrum involves estrangement. In this journey away from engagement, you may find yourself thinking you have to protect yourself from the experiences of others. You may begin to believe that you have to become hardened because what you are witnessing in the lives of others is simply to difficult to bear – it hurts too much.
So, you begin to create emotional distance and you begin to identify very strongly with your professional role. In this way, you can justify not “caring too much” because that wouldn’t be professional anyway.
Well, the problem here is that we cannot harden and close ourselves off in one aspect of our lives and think that we will remain soft and open in others. If you choose hardening and protection, you will experience that holistically. This doesn’t get us anywhere and really only serves as a means of disconnection.
When we are estranged, we are convinced that what doesn’t work, is someone else’s fault. We feel tired, angry, frustrated, and removed. Nothing conscious about this approach either.
The Gift of Full Engagement
Engagement offers a remedy. Engagement. It is connection. Presence. You are in the moment. Energized. Attentive. Engagement enhances your ability to respond. Engagement helps others to feel that you care for them. Engagement is fulfilling, rewarding and respectful. Engagement is the key!
Let’s get started!
How do the three elements of the Engagement Continuum feel for you? Can you give each a few characteristics so each state is easier to identify?
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